Scent of Sandalwood

Dad brought up an important point this morning. He noticed that I have not lit incense for my grandfather ever since I returned home from Big Bear Lake. I was embarrassed but stubbornly argued that I have done so more than one occasion. But that defense flopped as quickly as my stomach when I realized how negligent I had been the past year.

There were times when I walked by the ancestors' altar and noticed how cold it was. Yet I couldn't convince myself to pick up the lighter. I am a man of science. I just don't buy this incense-fruit offerings-life after death- overlooking ancestors belief. So that if I did light an offering I would be a damn hypocrite. So months went buy. The altar remained dormant. If I did manage to light an incense, it would be the green tea joss sticks by Nippon Kodo in my room.

But I recalled I used to do it. Not just lighting incense but also conversing with my deceased grandparents, the Goddess of Mercy and Buddha. When I encountered an obstacle in life, I would pray for help whether it is for strength to pass the SAT, get straight A's on the report card or wellness and health for the entire family.

Tonight, after cleaning the house and before sitting down to begin my review questions, I came before the altar, before the happy buddha in the bottom center and my grandparents above on both sides and Guan Yin and Buddha at the top. I counted, lit and distributed the incense sticks after an apology for my carelessness along with a quick prayer.

As the sandalwood fragrance permeates the house, a feeling of calmness came over me. I feel like I am home for the first time. I need to be home. I need this settling effect of home to study for this exam and not feel trap because I have to live with my parents. The fact that I don't believe in the afterlife is no longer of importance. I believe in family and that's enough for me to light incense everyday. Even if there no one is watching and guarding, I feel that the familial connection is everlasting as it links the present with past. But more importantly, it strengthens and unifies the present. As hope falls everywhere around me in all other areas of life, I still have my family. And that is more than enough strength to ride through any storm.